I am the product of toxic parents. A lot of past hurts, resentment and anger have brought me to the point where when depression strikes the cause is my parents, and not until now do I recognize that the relationship with them has been a toxic one. We were a family of four, mom, dad, my brother and I. People thought we were the picture perfect family, us kids were well behaved and polite; never forgetting our please and thank-you’s.
Life for me now though, forever struggling with mental illness, is due to a decision that my parents made when I was six years old. This was a selfish decision on their part and the consequences haunt me to this day. For this I am still forever unforgiving. I can’t shake it.
Growing up was a struggle emotionally and most times a difficult journey. Memories are laced with tears, depression and many suicidal thoughts and even hateful thoughts towards my parents. I was unaware that all of this was due to the abuse and handling of the abuse. Actually, as I have mentioned, the handling of the sexual abuse situation was worse than the actual sexual abuse.
I cannot speak for my father, but consider he did his best to minimize the damage that was done. Maybe he was trying to say he was sorry. Maybe, maybe not. For that he always provided me with the necessities, skating and dancing lessons, sending me to a private school when I pleaded, a generous allowance and I was probably spoiled more than most children when it came to Christmastime. Hurtful memories overshadow the ones that allow you to smile.
When I first began therapy in 1994 at age 38, my life turned upside down and then began a chain of events to catapult me into the world of black depression. The sexual abuse has pretty much ruined my life, both sexually and mentally. Although I don’t feel a victim anymore, for me the scars have not yet truly healed. Entering into my first psychotherapy was a truly bumpy ride and in retrospect I wonder if I should have entered into Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, as it was extremely intense. The therapy brought forward the many feelings of shame, self-esteem, guilt, the many flashbacks, the constant suicidal thoughts and triggers that I had been feeling. Years later I am now in therapy yet again, and with a new psychologist, and it has been cathartic for PSTD, and also “talking it out” with the issues surrounding my parents. But I’m angry as to why I must repeat this struggle with depression due to the abuse inflicted upon me at 6 years old. I am extremely enraged at my parents.
My parents got off too easy.
With my parents, and especially my mother, it’s more the trust issue, the lack of respect for me, yet the demand on me to always respect them as parents. Mind your manners, don’t talk back, behave in public. Anger fills the air also, yet not consuming my life. My thoughts are; respect has to be earned, doesn’t it? But, I was a good little girl and obeyed.
Everything that comes about is all about mom, what I didn’t do for her. My teen years until I got married were forever non-stop criticism about my weight. My mom would say “You will never get married or meet anyone if you don’t lose weight”. Over and over and over. After a while it went in one ear and out the other. Other times I would receive cruel letters from her if she was angry with me. I would think everything was going along fine and suddenly it was “letter time”. She had to spew HER feelings out on paper with no consideration as to the long lasting hurt and anguish that would be inflicted upon ME, or how words can sting.
Mom and I are not on speaking terms right now. It’s been a month and I feel the best I have felt in years. Free and clear. Why didn’t I make the break sooner. I still wait every day to see in my e-mail inbox or post box if a letter from her has come my way. I’ve learned now not to read this bunch of crap. I have chosen to sever ties. Too many hurts over the years but this time I can make the decision not want to continue with this relationship. It’s toxic.
Mom, was I really the little girl you wanted yet were disappointed with? I won’t allow you back into my life until you could ever be a mother that I wanted, because you disappointed me.
Written by: Me
