See also TOXIC PARENTS . I received many comments on this first article – seems there are so many people experiencing this.
It was difficult at first, but now as time goes on I feel this weight lifted off me and the feelings of guilt just aren’t there. I’ve cut ties with my family. Just to know that I spent 9 wasted years in and out of hospitals (more in than out) with the severest of depression coupled with the horrific ECT’s and too-many to count medications for what? What did I ever do to deserve this? And all at the hands of the people who brought me into this world. All the while they proceeded along with their lives; the sexual abuse didn’t affect their lives. And, are they popping psychiatric medication daily to just exist with a level mood?
I tried so hard to please my mom. When she got up in her 70’s, I knew she was lonesome with my dad passing. I looked at every means available to get her out of the house and mix with others her own age but all of my ideas were quashed; forever an excuse why this and that wasn’t suitable. And then still, my daily phone call to her, “hi mom how was your day”, reply, “oh boring as usual”. I finally thought, what’s the use.
My mother had problems with her own family, she spoke often about her family’s side ruining her wedding. She brought up the unfairness, hurt feelings and displeasure with her mother and siblings. She has severed ties with some of them. She had an on again/off again relationship with her mother; which sounds as if there wasn’t much closeness. You would have thought that when she had her own daughter things would be different. Perhaps the sexual abuse involving the neighbour brought along problems and humiliation to the neighbours and perhaps the neighbourhood. I’ll really never know. I felt invisible to them most of my life.
It’s been almost 6 months since I cut the ties. The choice was family or mental health. I should have ended this long ago and not had to suffer in misery. My psychologist helped me with this, although the decision was my own. She just made me recognize what this woman was doing to me; it wasn’t a healthy relationship, it was a TOXIC one. Always felt more like a noose was around my neck and constantly living with a guilt feeling.
The recurring criticisms have disappeared now and I don’t have to make the dreaded phone call to her after work to see if SHE’S ok now.
We’re repeatedly told we need them; they’re family. I always felt like I owed them something. Aren’t parents meant to do things for their children and not always look for pay back? “ Look at all the things we’ve done for you, you’re ungrateful, you had more than most kids, we went into debt at Christmastime for you kids”.
I still long for that mother, I know it won’t be possible, but I want her to apologize to me.
Deb
